Edinburgh Mystery Match Report…

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Edinburgh Mystery Match Report…

A phantom reporter – who’s pseudonym is Jimmy Sebastian Farquhar Isembard Kingdom Brunel  and MAY WELL BE in the Edinburgh Cohort but I couldn’t possibly tell you for sure, for fear of being sin binned….has written a riveting match report of the touch rugby game between our Edinburgh and Glasgow groups…

Read with care! And… with a pinch of salt. Enjoy.

Edinburgh  Debut 17/05/2017

by Jimmy Sebastian Farquhar Isembard Kingdom Brunel ( I don’t know about Art but I know what I like!)Mc Shefferty, – Poncy arts writer assigned to cover sport

It was an electric atmosphere here today at Murrayfield when the two SoHK giants met for an old school derby playoff. Spectators from Edinburgh and Glasgow lined the pitch to watch a friendly clash of East versus West coast Rugby.

Tensions heated up as the players took to the field for the first time and coaches for both teams were giving last minute instructions to the players before kick off.

Edinburgh Coach Roscoe commented:

“Well, it’s a game of two halves and could go either way, I’m sure the lads will give it 110 percent without switching to plan b. It’s a big ask and Glasgow are here to play, but the boys know their way to the try line and certainly like to run with the ball”

With 3 players benched due to injury including Edinburgh’s secret weapon, Grandad Galligogs, It was all to play for.

“It’s all to play for” commented Coach Callum, “ and the teams are squared up, 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other… Glasgow have a bit more experience, but I am proud of our boys and we’re always looking for a new challenge. They know their way to the try line and certainly like to run with the ball”

So, with Bacon Butties in the morning and a chicken pasta salad from the Squad’s chef, the Lads were ready. The Game was underway.

From the offset, this reporter, who has no experience of rugby and has not got a scooby doo what’s going on in general, could see that the Home Team were giving a good account of themselves, with fluid passing, good positioning and the determination to knock their opposition to Kingdom come. As player Danny “El Diablo” quite eloquently stated “C’mon lads, lets hell slap it intae them”.

And they did.

This reporter, who knows as much about rugby as he does about quantum physics, the contents of intergalactic space, the smallest subatomic particles, all matter and energy and how women actually work,  could see that the skills and training these lads have received in the last few weeks, was paying off. George and Pablo pushing forward and Michael holding the right wing, the Edinburgh team were pressing their opponents into submission with fancy footwork and ball delivery, Ollie often steaming through, finding his player and ensuring pressure was kept against the Visitors.

Nico “the Bulldog” terrifying the oppostion with his particular weave round, constant advance and style of basically frightening the bejaysus out of anyone within eyesight, complimented the Edinburgh forwards’ determined and overwhelming attack on the boys from Glasgow, who were themselves providing a fine performance.

Moruff was completely omnipresent, he was everywhere! The visitors couldn’t keep tabs on him at all and with his deft ability, speed and sheer magnitude of his skills, he left the opposing team in a constant state of confusion

John Walker was certainly not walking today as his sprint bursts left the Visitors gasping as they defended their position.

The Lads worked in formation, constantly overcoming the Visitors, with an exceptional team spirit,  unity and superb skills not witnessed since 1924 when some good team was playing another good team at the cup final, (or was that the playoffs) at The Oval or somewhere like that. (Oh that’s cricket isn’t it?)

However, there were some discrepencies of referree decisions but the lads took it well, as the Ref, who was also the Coach for the Glasgow Team, looked pretty much like he was bricking it. His boys were facing a pasting from the Edinburgh newcomers and everybody knew it

Edinburgh, not phased by this skullduggery, continued to play as if their lives depended on it, It nearly did with other Michael substituted early due to injury and retired to the bench to share Werthers Originals with Grandad Galligogs who discussed with him the benefits of allotments, what’s a nice treat to have for elevenses and his time in a Japanese concentration camp during WWII. He also discussed his Flat Earth Theory and his annoyance that the Pop Star in the Hit Parade, Rag’n’Bone Man, wasn’t a proper Rag’n’Bone Man at all as he failed to turn up to collect a broken down washing machine that Galligogs has in his front Garden.

Anyway, back to the game.

Organisers Callum (with the beard) and Rosa were on hand to offer support, tactics, game strategy, how to not be sanctioned by the DWP and why it might be a bad idea to punch a prospective employer in the face…… even if he’s asking for it! The Lads were fully charged.

The game, coming to it’s closing minutes, took another burst in Edinburgh’s favour when an intricate pass to Tommy ‘The Bomber’, saw ‘The Bomber’ sprint up the left wing with a SPECTACULAR try for the Edinburgh Team.

“ah wis movin oan up an aw of a sudden ah hud this baw in ma hons, so ah just legged it an now ah’m knackered, could dae wi a fag!” said a delighted Tommy.

A player from the Glasgow substitutes bench, took to the pitch to intercept ‘Bomber’  giving them an advantage of 7 men to 6, but even this was useless against the confident determination of Edinburgh. The Referee (who is also the Glasgow Team Coach) ignored this and still Edinburgh went on to give the visitors a great run for their money.

The final whistle went and the two exhausted teams exited the pitch.

Grandad Galligogs cheering from the sidelines was doubly pleased that day. Such a boost couldn’t have come come at a better time as it was also his ‘Dole Money Eve’ and Grandad was looking forward to treating himself to 20 fags instead of his usual pouch of tobacco tomorrow.

Grandad commented “Such a boost couldn’t have come come at a better time for me as it is also ‘Dole Money Eve’ and I’m looking forward to treating masel to 20 fags instead of the usual pouch of baccy the morra”

A Jubilant and Victorious Edinburgh Squad sprinted from the pitch with as much energy and enthusiasm as they had entered, to continue their celebrations at ‘The Tram’, a regular nightspot for many of the players. However this was to be shortlived. The Ref, Greg ‘ The Hooded Claw’ (and also the Glasgow Squad Coach!!!) sheepishly declared a draw.

Not to be disappointed by this and fully aware of their social responsibility to those less fortunate than themselves, graciously and with honour, The Edinburgh Squad accepted the Ref’s decision. But knew in their hearts and minds that it is they who dominated the game and it was they who ‘hell slapped it intae them.’

Post Match Analysis:

Coach Roscoe on the Victory:

“Well, it was a game of two halves and could have went either way,  The lads gave it 110 percent without switching to plan b. It was a big ask and Glasgow were here to play, but the boys knew their way to the try line and certainly liked to run with the ball, The lads certainly Hell slapped it intae them, Good on the Edinburgh Squad, they won and that’s that”

Coach Callum on the Victory, particularly when he knew that it was all to play for:

“It was all to play for” commented Coach Callum, “and the teams were squared up, 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other… Glasgow had a bit more experience, but I am proud of our boys and we’re always looking for a new challenge. They knew their way to the try line and certainly liked to run with the ball. The lads Hell slapped it intae them, but don’t mention it. What compounded it was our lads having the good grace an honour to accept the draw, as they are all aware of their social responsibility to those less fortunate than themselves.”

So Readers, a monumentous debut from The Edinburgh Squad, They can only go from strength to strength and hopefully, the return of Grandad Galligogs, once his GP has sorted out his medication levels and has a fresh supply of Mint Imperials, will put the icing on a lovely piece of cake!!

We Are Edinburgh SoHK, and We’ll Hell Slap It Intae Ye’s!!!